Thirty Three.

For me, birthdays are like New Year’s Eve – a time to look back on the year I’ve had, to think of new goals, priorities, resolutions for the year to come. Tomorrow, I start a new year, my thirty third year, and I’m excited for the new adventures this age will bring.

As I embark on this next year in my life, I thought I’d celebrate by sharing with you 33 random pieces of advice – things I’ve learned over the years:

1) Don’t rub your eyes after having eaten hot wings.

2) Don’t mix beer and chocolate milk (especially when you’re allergic to chocolate).

3) Never pull down a pull-up on a potty training toddler without first doing a check (poo-valanche!).

4) Despite what you think, you are not always right.

5) When hemming pants, it doesn’t work to measure by lying on the floor and drawing a line where you want to make the cut.

6) Don’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant, unless the baby is hanging out of her yahoo.

7) Don’t make fun of names unless you are sure the people you are talking to don’t have close relatives/friends with those names.

8) Four year olds are smarter than they look.

9) It’s not cool to use big words when trying to sound smart, especially when you use them in the wrong context.

10) If you’re going to brag about your spelling skills, know that raspberry is spelled with a “P”.

11) Try on pants before you buy them.

12) Two year olds are stronger than you think.

13) It’s not funny to re-enact the opening scene from Harold & Kumar when at an important corporate event.

14) If you don’t know something, pretend you do and then Google it later.

15) Not everyone likes poo jokes.

16) Don’t take any wooden nickels.

17) When picking up dog poop, make sure there aren’t any holes in the bag.

18) Don’t laugh when someone is holding a gun to your head.

19) Don’t try to make jokes to avoid the awkwardness of a serious conversation.

20) Never brag about your baby who sleeps through the night.

21) When mixing drinks, know that 151 does not make an equal substitute for Malibu Rum.

22) Don’t buy your daughter a snow globe if you have a toddler in the house.

23) If you have unruly bushy eyebrows, listen to your friends and let them pluck them.

24) It’s not nice to pin your best friend’s brother down and fill his mouth with Orajel.

25) Don’t compliment someone on their Halloween costume unless you know for sure they’re wearing a costume.

26) Make sure you’re right about someone’s name before using it when addressing them.

27) When going to a high school dance, dressing up as a carrot, or a dice, will result in you dancing alone all night.

28) Don’t tell a long joke unless you’re sure you know the punch line.

29) Don’t make jokes about your love for meat when talking to serious vegans.

30) Be careful what you say in front of toddlers – they will repeat everything, especially when grandma is listening.

31) When doing an impression of someone, make sure they’re not standing behind you.

32) Don’t piss off a cat by buying a puppy unless you want him to shit in the middle of your white comforter.

33) Don’t try to make a list with 33 items unless you have more than 33 minutes to do it.

Enjoying my final days of 32

Is anyone else enjoying the ripe old age of 33? Do you have any tips for a newbie like me?

Comments

  1. Ah yes… 151 Rum. Dangerous. I’m older than you and still manage to launch into a joke or story with no real path or ending in mind. Also love bragging about Theo sleeping through the night on Twitter and then BANG, he wakes up 4 times in the night. Live and never learn is my real motto.

  2. LOL!! I am pretty sure I’ve spelled RASberry wrong a million times!!! Happy Belated!

  3. Haha! Love your list! Hilarious! Happy 33rd tomorrow. Ahh…I remember being 33 – I was younger and had more energy then.

  4. Anonymous says:

    “Don’t make jokes about your love for meat when talking to serious vegans” I read the last word as “VAGINAS”
    Those damn serious vaginas, they’re so stuck up.

    lol

  5. What an awesome list! It is all so true. And Happy Birthday to you!

  6. Poo-valanche cracked me up!

    Happy birthday!

  7. Hemming pants is a pain and never works.

    Hope you have the best birthday.

  8. How can you not like poo jokes? Poo is one of those things we simply must deal with every day. I can’t sit through a family dinner without talking about poo.

    Do you think I might need therapy?

  9. haha! It looks like there are some great blog posts waiting beneath those lessons learned! I’d love to read them!

    I’m here from mamakat’s. I’d love a visit back!
    Thanks!
    Brae

  10. I am giggling really hard, the nodding at most of these, and outright laughing at the Orajel.

  11. This is great list! Three year olds are super smart too. I have learned that the hard way.

  12. Love this list!

    mommysummers.blogspot.com

  13. Brilliant post… loved reading every bit of it !!! your newest follower from the blog hop… you can find me at http://purplechronicle.blogspot.com/

  14. AWESOME LIST!!! I seriously had a poo-valanche today! So (not) funny that you listed it! THAT should have been in the manual, am I right!?!? Happy Birthday to you, and way to go for looking so fabulous at the youthful age of (almost) 33!

  15. I recently had a birthday and I so wanted to write a post like this, but I couldn’t come up with enough good truths. You did a bang up job. Happy 33rd.

  16. I was asked my age today by my son’s play date’s mom. I told her I am turning 33. She said she just did and was born in 78. So was I! Woot, instant connection. Only that makes me 33 since January, right? So I guess I will be turning 33 again soon.
    Love this list, you will not believe how many on your list I did. But they were not as funny then as they are reading your list now 🙂

  17. What a great list … even if you do make me feel old …
    Happy Happy to you … wishing you a fab year ahead, of course, now that you are older you will need way more time to make lists … and then you will forget where you put them 😉

  18. Bianca, you are a funny, funny lady! happy birthday!

    The ripe old age of 33? Um. Well, I remember turning 33, or at least know that I must have turned 33 to arrive where I am today. (The memory is the first to go, they say).

    Great tips! 🙂

  19. Happy Birthday! found you on the hop, following you on google friend, would love a follow back.

    http://cumminslife.blogspot.com/

  20. Funny list. Love the do not pull down a pull-up unless you’ve done a poo-poo check:) So true!

    Welcome to 33. It was a good year for me. Wish I was still there 😛

  21. LOL – I have to say there are so much stuff to watch out when reaching 33. mmmmmm I guess I’ll skip it.

    p.s. a gun? whaaaaaaaaaat?

    http://www.mamaandthecity.com

  22. I am a new fan from Madame Deals please enter one of my contests I have $200 in jewelry and more http://www.madamedeals.com/contests.

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    Amee

  23. omg so many great ones!! the costume and the joke telling are totally me. that’s awesome! happy birthday.

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